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An ADHD Confession

February 14, 2011

This circle has about done me in.  Round and round I’ve gone and now I’m dizzier than I was yesterday was another day that was just the same as the one I’m living now.  Dreams, wonderful dreams invaded by the reality that dreams aren’t so dreamy.  They require effort, maximum effort is required to translate these dreams into reality isn’t dreamy.  Reality is somewhat nasty and fast and relentless.  Effort.  Push.  Drive.  Want.  Prayer.  Trust.  All of this just to move out of this orbit and into life is not spinning it’s going straight ahead and if I’m going in circles I’m missing it.  I’m missing what is there.  I’m missing what is not possible is accomplishing a goal while repeating the same self-induced setbacks.  Sit back and watch the destruction like an imploded building it’s timed perfectly.  First is the dream, then is the pounce, then comes the initial seeming success, then the block, then the devil, then discouraged, dream.  Ransacked reality rotting my brain is tired, soul tired.  How much just to flee this orbit’s gravity?  It’s a rip tide and I’m swimming as hard as I can.  I’ve got my reference point on shore and I’m swimming backwards in this tiny little circle grabbing my feet and flailing them trying to go somewhere.  My reference, my shelter, my God.  My reference.  Don’t leave don’t move don’t change. My Reference be my guide out of this crazy…Come to my rescue and set me back on the high ground.  Set my feet on higher ground where I can see where this is going.  This is going to work.  I’m not out here alone without a Reference without a Guide to guide guilty people like myself are made in His image not to be forsaken.  Not to be left alone drowning in self-doubt, drowning in questions, drowning.  Rising.  Protected.  Loved.  The straight and narrow isn’t a way of behaving it’s a way of believing.  Believing in the God who believed in you and not in you.  Not believing in yourself but disbelieving yourself and believing God who said He started a good work and will do it.



From → General Thoughts

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