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Galatians 3:1-6

February 22, 2011

I said the prayers.  The preacher preaching said, “Just stop”.  I did.  I stopped twice yesterday.  Silly me, he means completely and not just today.  Well, I wonder.  We’re weird we struggling ones.  “I mean just stop”, he says, “that’s enough, come on!”  Right, right, I’ll just stop because no one ever put it that way.  That is really amazing; that insight into ingrained habits has boggled my brain.  My boggled brain has been bamboozled, Bob, for about 16 years now.  But sure, I’ll just stop.

Toes wringing, hands wringing so I’ll get up and pace and pray.  “Dear God help me not be gross anymore”, I say.  That preacher you placed in my life said I was gross and even said I was like a zombie and I don’t want to be a zombie.  Dear God, just help so I can be a good Christian.  That preacher is right, right?  Dear God, give me strength tonight.”

Now I feel better, you bet.  And I’ll stop again just yet.  Tomorrow I’ll stop because His mercies are new every morning.  This mourning will end tomorrow.  Right now it’s just warm and I’m weary, cozy and well.  I’m weary from the trying.  I’m tired.  And this feels better than that.  “Well, praise God, brother, this life is hard!  Do you think it was easy for Jesus?”  Oh that guilty pleasure we so enjoy.  That guilty pleasure of guilting dejected submission into boys.

Now I’m trying again.  Don’t give up, don’t give up.  “Jesus loves you boy, don’t you know?  What would Jesus say if he saw you doing that?”  Kill me now.  I deserve nothing less than punji sticks in fingers real quick.  Punish me, deprive me because I deserve it.  “Oh Jesus, don’t look.”  This recurring dream, I’m driving and I can’t stop.  The brakes won’t work while I stomp and stomp and try and try.  Drifting slowly, so slowly into death but I can not stop this.  But I can do it because I’m gross if I don’t so I must.  I must muster the courage, the want the drive.  “Jesus, don’t look”.

Valiant, yet vain struggles stricken me as much as the struggle pains.  Struggles…”How are you doing with that?”  “Oh, I’m doing great.  I’m getting better and better at it all the time!”  “No, I haven’t stopped though.”  “Well, young man, you just need to stop.  You just commit it to God and you just stop.”  Suddenly I don’t even want to be a Christian.  I’d really like to be a boxer and not a dog.  I’d like to punch a preacher.  “Jesus, no, don’t look.”

“Jesus…”

“Jesus I’ve ruined it.  Jesus, I’ve done it all.  Jesus, I can’t do anything.  Jesus, I can’t do it anymore.  Jesus, I’ve ruined it all.  Jesus, my best is ugly and my worst is so wearisome.  Jesus, I’m tired.  Jesus, I quit.  Jesus, you do it.”

“Jesus…”

“Can I forgive you?  I mean, will you let me?”  “You mean, just forgive me?”  Yeah, just forgive you.  You don’t have to worry about it.  Remember when I was beaten?  Right, well that was for you.  Not to grab and guilt you but to free you.  I took a beating as your punishment so stop punishing.  I took a beating and I knew.  I knew exactly who you would be.  I knew the struggles and I knew I’d set you free.  I do see but I see the sin in hopes that you’ll see too.  I took that beating and the cross for you so you wouldn’t have too.  It is finished.  Believe and be free.”

Well, great sunflowers of happiness that did it.  Believe and be free.  Father Abraham who had many sons believed and God saw him as upstanding, good, and all the things that I am not.  Because he believed, no strings, no knot.  Don’t punish yourself.  Jesus already was.  Just believe that what He says is true.  He’ll take care of it.  Trust Him and believe Him and submit to Him.  He’s not the means to an un-zombie like end.  He is the end.  And He is good.

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From → Preachy Thoughts

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