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Trust? Trust!?!?

March 31, 2011

Have you ever felt that life was going to push and pull you to pieces?  I mean, you wake up one day and decide that you’re going to do something and by the end of the day you can’t decide if you’re going to do it anymore, if you want to do it anymore?

This has been my existence for the last year or so.  Pushing, pulling, deciding, changing my mind, and so on and on.  It’s now so that I can’t decide if I’ve decided, it’s been decided for me, or I’m chicken.

I think I’m chicken.

Then again, maybe I’m just being cautious.

No, God is telling me to wait.

This is what goes through my head the better part of the day.  Not only do I not know which way to go, I don’t know why I don’t know, or whether I actually do know.

You have your known knowns, your unknown knowns, and your unknown unknowns.  My orbit is somewhere between all three.  I know what I’m supposed to do. I know that I will do it and yet I don’t know when.  I don’t know what the next step is and I don’t know when I’m supposed to take it.

Do you think I’m being taught a lesson?  I’m thinking, just now, that maybe I am.  I do not like it.

Wait, I’m not so sure it’s a lesson anymore.  I think I’m just justifying my fear.  It’s like being told by your girlfriend that God told her she can be your girlfriend but she’s going to break up with you anyway.  It just doesn’t make sense.  It didn’t then and it doesn’t now, and yes, I wrote it correctly.

Oh man, so what’s the answer?  I don’t know.  Here’s the thing though.  Sometimes we won’t know.  Sometimes we just have to trust that God cares and won’t let us run in circles.  Trusting God means that we trust Him to make our honest mistakes right.  So whether or not I’m making the right decision is kind of irrelevant.  Can I not trust God to make my crooked paths straight?  We are talking about doing His will, right?  We want to do His will.  So then, how can I mess it up?  If He’s not big enough to correct me if I make a bad choice in good faith, then maybe I’m just wrong about everything…including my faith.  I think I can trust Him.  Can you?

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From → Preachy Thoughts

4 Comments
  1. Well said. It’s the paradox I’m staring at as well. Trust is a funny thing I find, since I realize my lack of it undermines my very belief. I guess my human reluctance only exaggerates my need, and so i go on… But am I walking or waiting? As long as I’m not wandering, right? 🙂 just Walking with Him and waiting while he deconstructs my old walls and clears a path! Anyway, love your poetisism, it’s my kinda beauty.

    • “Walking with Him and waiting while He deconstructs my old walls and clears a path.”

      Wow, very well put.

      What you said about a lack of trust undermining our belief is so true. Putting aside an existence kind of belief, is it even possible to say I believe in God if I won’t trust Him?

  2. Your still in my reader so I’m back for a visit… no more poetry? bummer!

    • My brain is in hiding. Sometimes life comes at you too fast to interpret on the spot. Thanks for your interest, seriously. Once I can look back on this season and make sense of it the words will start pouring out again.

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